A short story by Jonathan Mitchell
July 11, 1999
Ms. Monica Lewinsky
c/o Bernard Lewinsky, M.D.
Brentwood, California 90049
Dear Ms. Lewinsky:
My name is Arnold Geffner. I am a 28-year-old Caucasian
male with red hair and hazel eyes. I am about 5'11" and weigh
175 pounds. I suffer from Asperger's syndrome, a mild variant of
the disorder called autism which was made so famous in the movie
Rainman. The reason that I am writing you this letter is that at
the age of 28 I have never had a girlfriend and I am still a
virgin. Last year I came very close to having my first
girlfriend and losing my virginity. It was a girl I met in a
nightclub and we discovered that we had a lot of common interests
and were hitting it off quite nicely. Unfortunately, it turned
out that she was a bird fancier and had numerous uncaged birds
flying around her house. As part of my Asperger's syndrome I
suffer from what is known as ornithophobia or an irrational fear
of birds, so that potential relationship was aborted. I write
this letter, taking pen in hand (there is something else that I
have been taking in hand a bit too much lately if you get my
drift), hoping that you will become my first girlfriend (and
maybe my last also). It would be very helpful to me, Monica
maybe, if you could grant this request.
I have outlined 7 very good reasons why you should become my
- You are a fat (to the point of obesity) pig and therefore
cannot be choosy about whom you have your relationship with,
even with a person who has Asperger's syndrome or autism.
- A recent poll taken by U.S.A. Today says that 91% of men
ranging in ages 25-40 would not want to date you under any
circumstance. Therefore, I am in the 9% that would, so that
is another reason, Monica maybe, to consider me.
- You are financially stable because of the sales of your
book, therefore you don't need to date a wealthy individual
the way many women do, because it provides them financial
- It might interest you to know that your therapist, Irene
Kassorla, back in the 1960's in her undergraduate days at
UCLA worked with autistic children and worked with the
eminent autism behaviorist, Dr. Ivar Lovaas, and coauthored
a paper with him on behavioral treatment of autistic
children (for further details, I refer you to The Journal of
Experimental Child Psychology, 1965, 2, pp 67-84).
Therefore your therapist can give you insight into the
plight of autistic men and the problems they face with
celibacy and explain to you why an autistic man would need
you to become his girlfriend and also help you with
psychologic adjustment and therapy that dating and possibly
marrying an autistic man would require.
- Your ex-boyfriend had many behavioral deficiencies that were
in ways reminiscent of autism, such as poor impulse control.
This means you could be very comfortable with an autistic
man. However, in some respects, he was very different from
a person with autism in that he was (and probably still is)
a chronic and inveterate liar. Autistic people are well
known for their honesty, even to the point of being blunt
towards people, as I have been towards you in this letter.
(I think the same can be said of those suffering from
Asperger's syndrome, the milder variant). Therefore, it
would be good therapy for you to date me, because of all the
problems that your ex-boyfriend gave you. It would help you
overcome this compulsion you have to date married men which
usually leads to all sorts of problems and ultimate
- Your ex-boyfriend, often liked to stimulate your clitoris
with cigars. However, he has chosen to continue the embargo
on Cuba because he seems to believe that Fidel Castro does
not treat his people correctly, in spite of the fact that
this embargo has been completely ineffective in doing
anything about the Cuban problem for three and a half
decades now. I bring this up, because this would mean that
your ex-boyfriend would not use Cuban cigars to stimulate
your clitoris. Cuban cigars are much better for stimulating
the clitoris for maximal effect as they have a smaller
diameter than non Cuban cigars and can get just the right
effect in making you hot and horny. I recently returned
from a seven day cruise on the Mexican Riviera. Cuban cigars
are sold legally, if not readily in most Mexican cities, but
your ex-boyfriend's Cuba policy has banned them in the U.S.
I had to take a cruise instead of going by airplane to do
this in a much faster fashion in order not to arouse the
suspicions of the U.S. Department of Customs. Due to my
disability, I have been strip searched by customs agents in
the past, but they are less suspicious of persons who take
cruises and go through the World Cruise Center than they are
of people coming through airports returning from Latin
American countries from the airport. If these people, the
employees of your ex-boyfriend, knew that I had Cuban cigars
that I was bringing into the United States, they would have
been confiscated and I would have possibly been prosecuted
by The Department of Justice, who are also employees of your
ex-boyfriend. I managed to smuggle in about 20 of those
Cuban jobs, and I could stimulate your clit with them,
unlike any way your ex-boyfriend did with those non-Cuban
- Autistic men have disproportionately large penises, which
you would, I assure you, enjoy sucking on and it might be
better than the blow jobs you used to give your ex-
For the above reasons that I have outlined, I think it would
be beneficial for both of us if you could become my girlfriend.
Monica maybe you will read this letter among all the tons of
letters you get from your fans. Monica maybe you will consider
becoming my girlfriend.
P.S. I live in Los Angeles also, so there would be no problem
with commuting or a long distance relationship.
Arnold finished the letter and saved it as a word perfect
file and printed it out and admired the craftsmanship of the
letter. Satisfied, he printed out two more copies, one he would
mail to Monica's father in the hopes that she would get it. One
he would deliver to the editor of the Los Angeles Times. The
third he would deliver to the New York times. If Monica did not
want to become his girlfriend then perhaps he could get the
editors of one of two major newspapers or maybe both to print the
letter so he could advertise to the world the plight of autistic
men who rarely were able to find girlfriends and who were so
frustrated by their celibacy.
Arnold walked to the mail box. Before depositing the
letters he decided to tear two of them up and just mail the
letter that he intended to send to Monica herself. It was
strictly a private matter between Monica and himself he decided.
Monica's ex-boyfriend would not have had it any other way.