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Monica Maybe

A short story by Jonathan Mitchell

July 11, 1999

Ms. Monica Lewinsky
c/o Bernard Lewinsky, M.D.
Brentwood, California 90049

Dear Ms. Lewinsky:

My name is Arnold Geffner. I am a 28-year-old Caucasian male with red hair and hazel eyes. I am about 5'11" and weigh 175 pounds. I suffer from Asperger's syndrome, a mild variant of the disorder called autism which was made so famous in the movie Rainman. The reason that I am writing you this letter is that at the age of 28 I have never had a girlfriend and I am still a virgin. Last year I came very close to having my first girlfriend and losing my virginity. It was a girl I met in a nightclub and we discovered that we had a lot of common interests and were hitting it off quite nicely. Unfortunately, it turned out that she was a bird fancier and had numerous uncaged birds flying around her house. As part of my Asperger's syndrome I suffer from what is known as ornithophobia or an irrational fear of birds, so that potential relationship was aborted. I write this letter, taking pen in hand (there is something else that I have been taking in hand a bit too much lately if you get my drift), hoping that you will become my first girlfriend (and maybe my last also). It would be very helpful to me, Monica maybe, if you could grant this request.

I have outlined 7 very good reasons why you should become my girlfriend:

  1. You are a fat (to the point of obesity) pig and therefore cannot be choosy about whom you have your relationship with, even with a person who has Asperger's syndrome or autism.

  2. A recent poll taken by U.S.A. Today says that 91% of men ranging in ages 25-40 would not want to date you under any circumstance. Therefore, I am in the 9% that would, so that is another reason, Monica maybe, to consider me.

  3. You are financially stable because of the sales of your book, therefore you don't need to date a wealthy individual the way many women do, because it provides them financial stability.

  4. It might interest you to know that your therapist, Irene Kassorla, back in the 1960's in her undergraduate days at UCLA worked with autistic children and worked with the eminent autism behaviorist, Dr. Ivar Lovaas, and coauthored a paper with him on behavioral treatment of autistic children (for further details, I refer you to The Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 1965, 2, pp 67-84). Therefore your therapist can give you insight into the plight of autistic men and the problems they face with celibacy and explain to you why an autistic man would need you to become his girlfriend and also help you with psychologic adjustment and therapy that dating and possibly marrying an autistic man would require.

  5. Your ex-boyfriend had many behavioral deficiencies that were in ways reminiscent of autism, such as poor impulse control. This means you could be very comfortable with an autistic man. However, in some respects, he was very different from a person with autism in that he was (and probably still is) a chronic and inveterate liar. Autistic people are well known for their honesty, even to the point of being blunt towards people, as I have been towards you in this letter. (I think the same can be said of those suffering from Asperger's syndrome, the milder variant). Therefore, it would be good therapy for you to date me, because of all the problems that your ex-boyfriend gave you. It would help you overcome this compulsion you have to date married men which usually leads to all sorts of problems and ultimate disaster.

  6. Your ex-boyfriend, often liked to stimulate your clitoris with cigars. However, he has chosen to continue the embargo on Cuba because he seems to believe that Fidel Castro does not treat his people correctly, in spite of the fact that this embargo has been completely ineffective in doing anything about the Cuban problem for three and a half decades now. I bring this up, because this would mean that your ex-boyfriend would not use Cuban cigars to stimulate your clitoris. Cuban cigars are much better for stimulating the clitoris for maximal effect as they have a smaller diameter than non Cuban cigars and can get just the right effect in making you hot and horny. I recently returned from a seven day cruise on the Mexican Riviera. Cuban cigars are sold legally, if not readily in most Mexican cities, but your ex-boyfriend's Cuba policy has banned them in the U.S. I had to take a cruise instead of going by airplane to do this in a much faster fashion in order not to arouse the suspicions of the U.S. Department of Customs. Due to my disability, I have been strip searched by customs agents in the past, but they are less suspicious of persons who take cruises and go through the World Cruise Center than they are of people coming through airports returning from Latin American countries from the airport. If these people, the employees of your ex-boyfriend, knew that I had Cuban cigars that I was bringing into the United States, they would have been confiscated and I would have possibly been prosecuted by The Department of Justice, who are also employees of your ex-boyfriend. I managed to smuggle in about 20 of those Cuban jobs, and I could stimulate your clit with them, unlike any way your ex-boyfriend did with those non-Cuban jobs.

  7. Autistic men have disproportionately large penises, which you would, I assure you, enjoy sucking on and it might be better than the blow jobs you used to give your ex- boyfriend.
For the above reasons that I have outlined, I think it would be beneficial for both of us if you could become my girlfriend. Monica maybe you will read this letter among all the tons of letters you get from your fans. Monica maybe you will consider becoming my girlfriend.


Arnold Geffner

P.S. I live in Los Angeles also, so there would be no problem with commuting or a long distance relationship.

Arnold finished the letter and saved it as a word perfect file and printed it out and admired the craftsmanship of the letter. Satisfied, he printed out two more copies, one he would mail to Monica's father in the hopes that she would get it. One he would deliver to the editor of the Los Angeles Times. The third he would deliver to the New York times. If Monica did not want to become his girlfriend then perhaps he could get the editors of one of two major newspapers or maybe both to print the letter so he could advertise to the world the plight of autistic men who rarely were able to find girlfriends and who were so frustrated by their celibacy.

Arnold walked to the mail box. Before depositing the letters he decided to tear two of them up and just mail the letter that he intended to send to Monica herself. It was strictly a private matter between Monica and himself he decided. Monica's ex-boyfriend would not have had it any other way.

The End

Copyright 2002, Jonathan Mitchell - All Rights Reserved.